As we ended the final minutes of the weekend training at the school, negative predictions enter my mind. So I share some hopes....., "I am hoping that I can rid my mind of negative predictions that have been loud and clear. 'This coming week will be have to be awful because I will be tired and behind in life.' (when we are called to be present, is there such a thing as being behind in life?) I also hope that this training helps me to be a better teacher."
I am told that I am a good teacher by supervisors, peers, and students. I am told that students love my classes. But I am imperfect. I am not like the one at the training who said "we do this everyday at this school." I see teachers nod their heads in agreement. I wonder why I don't see myself in this light.
Tonight I lead a group of three at my church in our hope to become more spiritual. Paradoxes we face as humans. I talk about how I know what it takes to be a better teacher, but I lack the passion. My friend with the open porch policy races across the room to give me a high five. She is where I am and so needed to hear me speak of my struggles, my desires. The non-teacher speaks about her declining passion for engineering.
We turn to Romans chapter 7. Paul knows the law is from God and still goes against it. We talk about our struggles. I tell them about my examination of sin which I have started. I ask for their thoughts. I need to talk to people about this journey. At work today, I asked a friend to be a companion. Well, I told her she was a part of it.
We turn to Psalm 8. The engineer who knows the Bible says again that I have taken her to a text she had thought of when I talked about paradoxes. Who are humans to even be considered by God? Yet, are we not created in God's image? The psalmist stares at the the night sky and ponders. I think of the night I returned from clearing out my dorm room after three semesters of failing. A cold winter evening. Standing on my front porch. Staring at a street lamp. Knowing something in my life needed to change for I was destroying myself.
What if I had died? Would I have accepted a God who I now believe searches for me in life and death? I am reflecting on my sins.
I'm behind, too. And facing a crazy day. And having to work this coming weekend. And that's an incredibly good question...if we are called to be present, how can I be behind???
ReplyDeleteThanks! Michelle
Speaking from a perspective of over 35 years in this journey and without trying to make that some sort of "seniority" statement, I can only tell you I would rather stand in your shoes on that porch than sit in the pew as some do, with ears that are dull of hearing and self-righteous in their soul. The pursuit of Him doesn't end with conversion, but tugs at our heart as we go. Your words give witness and spring up in my soul. The "pew-warmers" give me reason to weep and an image of where I've, sadly, also found myself at times...
ReplyDeleteMichelle -- I took the day off and am feeling less overwhelmed. first day off since the school year started. I am a big fan of emotional and spiritual health days.
ReplyDeleteJim-- as for seniority, at 44, I feel I am old enough to say, "back in the day." as for being in those shoes, they had just gotten back from a 600 mile drive with my dad to clean out my dorm room, mostly in silence.