Psalm 139 revisited by a goof-ass

Psalm 139:  Verse 13:  You created my inmost self, knit me together in my mother's womb.

Several years ago, maybe 8 or so, I entered the Jesuit Center in Wernersville for my first 8 day retreat and was met with a note suggesting I read Psalm 139.  Verse 13 would bring out tears waiting over 30 years to emerge and I ranted at God for dropping a stitch when he created my urethra.

As this year's retreat neared an end, I told the director who I love, that I wanted to revisit the psalm.  and she said, "Yes, why not thank God for creating you as a goof-ass."

and thus I knew she had been listening to me earlier in the week.

so I did.

(the wall in the photo is where I break away from silence in the evening to say howdy to Mosaic Woman)

an old friend

I revisited Psalm 139 today and it seems like an old friend.

The first section reminded me of how God is everywhere and made me wish for a life where I walked in awareness. Can I keep my senses alive and my mind open to this reality? It is my hope.

The second section reminded me of being part of creation. If God did knit me together, then God missed a stitch here or there and didn't go back to make me perfect. Oh well. I just finished nine months of teaching anatomy and I have decided that my body is as understandable as God is, both can be experienced but not fully understood.

The third part is that part of a friend we may choose to forget about... until we experience it again. The Psalmist speaks of enemies and vengeance and asking for God's assistance in the dirty work. It made me think. Do I have enemies? Should I have enemies?

It made me think of two men standing in line behind Mosaic Woman and myself at the jazz festival. They were being negative about the musicians, the venues, the sound systems... The doors opened late and I stood there wanting to say... "Why are you here? Do you enjoy life at all?"

Then I thought of people I work with who are negative and who I wonder why they work at a place that causes them so much angst?

Are they my enemies? Or are they folk who I can spread joy to if I am aware and stay connected to God?

Hermeneutics of Consent stir me up

Things have changed. I am now comfortable with taking the Bible into my heart, not just my mind. It was hard work because I now see my heart was guarded by very talented stoic soldiers and I had to ask these internal guards to leave my heart open to attack by emotions. They listened. It is still hard work, for the Bible challenges me.

I think of my time at the Jesuit Center in Wernersville. Spend a week in silence, allowing for at least three hours of reflections on the Bible each day, and something has to crack. I didn't know what I was headed for on my first long retreat, I thought it would be a break from the daily routine, relaxing, a vacation. In my room was a suggestion, "Read and reflect upon Psalm 139." It ripped into my heart possibly even killing a stoic guard along the way. What emerged at first was anger and sadness which had been there for over 30 years. Four days later, God's love began to fill in the space which had been emptied.

Things have changed. A few weeks ago while worshiping at Wernersville, the beginning of Psalm 139 was read, while we chanted on being wonderfully made. I can believe, even with our flaws, that God creates us wonderfully. Is it that what we deem not wonderful, is truly wonderful? I see this as true. I struggle.

But God is never finished. Last week, my spiritual director directs me to Psalm 139, and now I am to face that God has chosen to create me in this way, at this time, at this place, with these joys, and with these pains. Again my faith is challenged to believe in a God who chooses so much, but I surely didn't chose these things, so who did. Was it God or was it nothing?

There are extremes here and I know folk at both ends, but I don't want to be in either camp. I can't imagine God choosing every thing that happens, and I can't imagine God having no choice. I explain this to my spiritual director who says profound things like, "this is good, you are awake, the exercises are getting things stirred up inside of you."

time for a friend

I am behind in grading my students work, I scramble to be prepared for teaching, my garden at home has been neglected, and I am falling further behind in my readings for the graduate class I am taking. However, I have found time to pray for an extra hour each day (by getting up early) because I have started Ignatius's spiritual exercises in everyday life. Prayer is a fine time to discern what needs to be done.

Three weeks ago I heard some sad news. Two weeks ago I walked a labyrinth and that news came into my prayer. A friend at work has gotten some rotten medical news and is at home hoping for a miracle. As I sat in the middle of the labyrinth God says, "Tell me you don't have the time to go visit the man. The man who has greeted you with kindness for ten years." What could I say to that?

His wife is an avid gardener and requested help dividing day lilies and irises which are taking over portions of her yard. She pointed out that the day lilies were a favorite of his. I e-mail her telling her I wanted to get some so that I could bring them to work and create a garden with my horticulture students.

I was well into getting myself sweaty and dirty when he came outside with his feeding tube. We sat in the middle of an amazing garden. While I drank water, we chatted. We spoke about spiritual retreats, the school we work at, the garden, his diagnosis, and Psalms. I have heard he is praying psalms every night. I tell him psalm 139 is important to me, and it turns out that we share favorite psalms. He tells me how he watches the Christmas Carol each year because of a recitation of psalm 139.

An hour or so later I was headed to the school to unload a car filled to the brim with lilies and irises. I am physically and emotionally drained. The day is near over and all of the things which I have fallen behind are still on my to do list. I do believe I discerned correctly on how I spent this day.

Tonight my prayer takes me to the idea of God creating us out of nothing each moment. I sense this is how miracles can occur. In that instant of being recreated, maybe, just maybe healing can occur.