RevGals got me thinking about 2013

recent date at the Philly art museum

Resolutions:

1. Start by sharing your success stories with us: In the past, what resolution has been your most successful? What change have you made that has been the most beneficial, to your mood, health, finances, or other way of being in the world?

Making pizza for friends.  We ended up hosting 22 gatherings in our house and made pizza for friends in 2012.  A ritual formed where Margaret would greet the guests bring them to the kitchen, then take them to see our studios as I got a pizza baking.  Then we would sit, converse and eat for a few hours.  
2. What is one thing you hope to do differently this year with regard to health, either physical or spiritual? If you are satisfied with your current status in both areas, perhaps you would be willing to share something you've already done (or regularly do) to care for yourself.

I need to exercise with my free weights, for who knows it may snow this winter and it always helps when I reenter the garden in the spring.  I return to practicing the Examen prayer would be most splendid for my spirit.
3. What is one thing you hope your family (of origin, of choice, however you define your primary place of mutual emotional sustenance) will do differently this year? A new tradition for birthdays? More vacation time? Game night? Feel free to really dream about ways to deepen your connections with those you love. 

More dates to get out to do fun things other than eating out.  Live music, museums, movies... , these activities have slowed as our mosaic and stained glass business has grown.  But, it is where we find joy and peace and inspiration.
4. What is one thing you hope your community of faith will consider doing differently this year? New music? Different approaches to preaching? Rearranging the furniture? If you are in a position to try to introduce change, share some of your enthusiasm and/ or anxiety with us!

The vestry of my church met this morning.  I sent a link to our rector and our rector's warden to achurchforstarvingartists post about church bucket lists because the idea of random acts of kindness done by a congregation caught my eye/spirit.

Absolutions: 

5. In what area would you most like to learn to be gentle with yourself? For what would you most like to forgive yourself? Share your ideas and strategies for extending yourself the kind of grace we know we are assured of. 

on a spiritual note... a general lack of prayer though I have shared with many my desire to set up a daily routine.  No daily routine has formed and very little prayer is happening. 

see other responses here 

Reflections from Silence ~ Psalm 21, 42, 63 and Flannery O'Connor

Light and Darkness at the Jesuit Center

In my last reflection I mentioned going to the library.  Buechner was mostly read and in the midst of the essays was an essay about Flanner O'Connor.  I could have used the classic card catalogue by myself but the rare sighting of the librarian and the aloe plant on her desk inspired me to be guided to a book.   OK I was desperate for a brief conversation.  And a few moments later I was headed back to my room with her collected stories.

My friend Michelle had thought playing with psalms was the way to go, so I read a psalm a day while on retreat.  21, 42, then 63 led the way.  In each case we start with an author who is praising his Lord, but at the end the author was overwhelmed by hatred and asked God to smash some enemies.

While in the O'Connor stories I was randomly chosing (by titles, not by counting by 21's), I kept being introduced to these main characters who seemed likable, especially in their own mind.  But they all seemed done in by hatred.  The hate was directed in many a direction but it emerged from the otherwise nice characters.

Today a friend needed a favor.  As we drove together I began to rant about something that had emerged at work that day.  I apologized for ranting.  Later I realized I had not followed rule 12 of 21 very well.  So now I work on that forgiveness thing.

My local library had the stories and tonight I met another one of those characters done in by hatred.

Here is to celebrating God minus the rants.

health update and a reminder

One night in the midst of this work week, I noticed a bounce to my step. I did some gardening at the school the last three days of the week. Mind has been less foggy. Seems like I have more energy for just about everything, except paperwork at the school.

getting back to normal, whatever that means. In a few moments I will have taken 40/42 antibiotics.

xxxxxxxxx

There have been lots of rants around this area because of the Eagles signing one Michael Vick to a contract. The rants and anger have reminded me of a time when I crashed and burned. I was met with love from those who had every right to rant and give up on me. It was that moment I repented and have slowly been healing myself into the person I hope to become.

Any success I have had as a teacher has been rooted in forgiveness. Welcoming students back into my classroom after all kinds of behaviors could be on the top of my job description, but maybe be below... accept and ask for forgiveness when I treat students unkindly.

I am at a loss about how folk who go astray should be punished, but I am not at a loss that folk can turn away and become renewed. Every Sunday I take the bread and wine asking to be renewed and cleansed. How can I not ask and hope of it happening to others? By being imperfect is how I fail. I do at times wish the worst on people, but it is not how I wish to respond.

Tonight I picked up the Bible and read of the time when Esau greeted Jacob with love when a rant and fist was expected. Upon being provided forgiveness and love, Jacob says, "When I saw your face, it was if the face of God smiling upon me."

Nothing less should be hoped for in our own interactions. and I fear that Michael Vick will not see the face of God as he tries to repent. For it is my hope that the man wants to be a better person. It is my hope for us all.


How amazed am I that I heard about Puppies Behind Bars today.

...

Forgiving Jumping Jerry-- old friends that fly

The man had the nerve to put a big red X (it was monstrous) next to BOBOLINK.

Had I known more about rare sightings, I would have understood, but I was a young teen in his biology class who had seen bobolinks several days at the same exact spot... do you want directions?


How many times have I been birdwatching, seen a glimpse of motion, searched for a clear view, said "it's only a robin," and move on in hopes to see something rare... something beautiful? Too many.

I walk outside my house and I see the common. The folk who live on my street. Sometimes I stop. If I walked out and saw Marry Anne from Oregon, Chuck from Illinois, Aqilla from Philadelphia, Dougie from Massachusetts, or Gair from North Carolina... then I would stop whatever I was doing and make time for this rare sighting.

I ventured out to see birds today. No binoculars, no bird guide. Old friends came by to say hello and by their shape, habits, colors, sounds, and size... I could greet them by name. Even the much despised brown-headed cowbird got my attention, but in that moment a eastern kingbird flew over its head. The kingbird landed on a fence causing a bird to take flight. Yes, a robin perched a few sections down and said, "go ahead look at me, I am beautiful, even if I am a dime a dozen here in Pennsylvania."

Jumping Jerry in sharing his passion for birds and requiring all of us to make a list, placed a seed in my heart. 1983 began with me having hit rock bottom, a place where my heart had become icy and blue. Given another chance by parents, I followed my heart and it led me to birds. My heart learned how to care by loving these creatures. I am pleased from what has thus grown from that seed. You are forgiven for the red X, an imperfect man saved me.

And yes, I have seen a bobolink again. Once in 30 years, and it happened on my birthday as I walked by a field of very tall grass. A glimpse of motion caught my eye. An extraordinary blessing, as was this morning's visit from old friends.

And while forgiveness is being spoken of, I ask for yours Jerry. I can't remember where that nickname came from but I don't think is was meant to flatter. 30 years later and I can only hope that I do the same for a student even as they call me an old man as my hair turns gray.

forgiveness in the studio

some times you have to move on, and that means not blaming yourself or the design.


I committed myself to donating a stained glass to an fundraiser at work, spent lots of time drawing and erasing to come up with a design. Carefully chose glass, then was not exactly thrilled with the result...

those dark pieces are not black, but a very dark violet that seemed to let more light through before I started.


so off I went to draw a new design and in that mood came up with nothing I liked. Then I let the thought float up... the design is good try again, which I did...








Oh, the first piece will not be destroyed. I have made art for long enough to know that just because I don't like something I created, doesn't mean nobody will like it. I am pleased with the second piece.

running

Nearly two years ago I joined the local YMCA to gain weight. So I started eating yogurt, bagels, and more nuts, while at the same time doing aerobic exercise at the gym and doing free weights at home. It worked.

Last night I got myself out of the house and to the gym. I like the exercise equipment, while M gets bored and walks laps. Lately she has started to run and walk the laps. I was a copycat and have been doing some running.

I do this exercise for many reasons, but I think what prompted me the most was how slowly my body was bouncing back after winter. The garden at school would call out and I would leap into it and my body would lag behind. The last two springs have been much better.

Last night I ran to exhaust myself. This sin stuff has led to a bit too much guilt over what happened nearly a week ago. I have played the situation in my head and I did not make any monstrous mistakes, and I have made those in my teaching career. Nobody has questioned my actions, even the teacher whose class was most affected.

So I ran and I walked and I ran..... It is fun. It was exhausting. Then as I cooled down, wisdom flowed into me. I am imperfect. Sometimes my imperfections will pass by with little consequence and some times it will lead to chaos in the world. I stopped on the track and confessed to God because no matter what chaos did occur and it started in my class.

Yesterday a student asked if I had "worked things out" with the student, his friend. I hadn't because the student has not been on campus. Today he was back, but not to my class. He was being escorted around campus near the end of the school day and stopped by my classroom. He was in a good place. He showed me some work he had done and was proud of completing. It was good work. He turned to go. After a few steps he stopped, turned around and apologized. He said he was sorry. I told him that I was sorry that he had had such a rough time.

Later I was told it is my choice if he ever returns to my class. Maybe I should flip a coin for I am truly uncertain what to do.

teaching today amongst the rage

Cucumber plants under protective cover

I had two students run from my classroom today and this time I had nothing to do with it. #1 fled when sprayed in the face by a water bottle, which I am guessing was accidental fire but I can't say with 100% certainty. It was her way of dealing with rage... stay and attack or run outside. #2 fled when the student he had fought with earlier in the day showed up for class. "I can't be in the same room." Again it was a coping strategy for rage. At this point I said, "I don't care how wet it is outside, the rain has stopped for a moment. Lets get cucumbers."

Earlier in the day, rage had led to a fight between a couple, one of whom had fled from my room a couple weeks ago when she felt that I had ignored her. She had refused to come back for a couple of days. I got a call from her therapist saying that this student had asked if she could spend more time than normal in my class today because I had a calming classroom.

Later in the day the student I blogged about on Saturday showed up in my class. I said, "cool shirt." Not because my ego is huge and I say it every time I see someone wearing the shirt I had designed for a school fund raiser. No, it was because I saw it as a sign of forgiveness. Surely a student angered at me would burn the shirt not wear it.

This is my life these days. Watching fires erupt and watching them burn out, while hoping to see life come out of the ashes.