Sunset and discerning the use of time

watching the sunset at the Jesuit Center in Wernersville #1 by Wayne Stratz

I chose the evening and went out to see what would happen. These images (in chronological order) are the best of what I photographed when I gave myself over an hour to be with the ending day. Sunsets are fickle. How do the clouds pass into and out of the angle of the light? Who is to know what will transpire when one decides to watch the sunset.

I imagine a brick wall that my life is about to slam into. It is harsher than normal; this school year that is about to start. I don't have greater than normal dread of the students, the subjects, the paperwork, the colleagues, ... 

But the time and energy taken away to provide my students what they deserve had formed a wall speeding at my spirit, which more than ever wants to do art and the work involved in selling art. Maybe it was a summer of vacation time and half days that was barely touched by doing shows. Maybe going back to teaching felt like a relief those summers we did tons of shows.

So I want to make the most of my time, give my body and mind and soul restful moments; while be creative and being prepared to teach.

A well laid out schedule for each day of the week? Well I am not a big fan of planning so that is not the route. However, I have decided to commit early morning hours to writing Stratoz blogs, Nutmeg D blogs, and every Saturday morning a newsletter (sign up here)

But what about the rest of the weekend and my evenings, I imagine this: I arrive home from work and make coffee and sit with Margaret as I use my Trello App to make a checklist of priorities. It has been working. Today for instance: write a newsletter, laundry, a peace symbol commission, straightening up the clutter surrounding my chair of contemplation, reading about science literacy to inspire my first week in the classroom... and now this blog post. 

and rest, good food, prayer, music, and time with joyful souls. I guess I have a plan, and like the following sunset, it will be affected by forces beyond my control.

watching the sunset at the Jesuit Center in Wernersville #2 by Wayne Stratz

watching the sunset at the Jesuit Center in Wernersville #3 by Wayne Stratz

watching the sunset at the Jesuit Center in Wernersville #4 by Wayne Stratz

watching the sunset at the Jesuit Center in Wernersville #5 by Wayne Stratz

WW: from the land of silence

M is for a special Mandala

"I can hardly find the words to describe how it affects me to look at it. I can feel the healing energy and it touches me very deeply. Thank you for creating tangent pieces of healing for the world. Blessing on you and peace to Dr. Ed's soul." Anne Mascelli

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Here is the secret to Mandalas: Draw a circle. Fill it with love and hope. Your work is done.

Or it may be the beginning of your work.

Often I draw mandalas for friends and send them off, but one day I sat down a drew a design to make out of stained glass.

The last time I saw my friend in public he walked slowly away from our booth carrying a bag with a mandala.

In his memory, I name the design after him.

His wife and two daughters leave our booth carrying a bag with two mandalas.

A woman I never met before leaves our booth with tears in her eyes and a mandala. She has handed me her story of cancer taking a loved one and gratitude for my work.

Friends of Ed hang mandalas in their homes.

My work place is dedicating a space to the man and a mandala will be there.

I love to say that I joined twitter to sell our craft, but instead I ran into jazz musicians. Recently a jazz singer, Andrea Wolper made it known to me that she was interested in buying some stained glass. I thought it was for herself, but when she chose a piece, I found out it was for a friend. Now what is the chance that her friend would happen to be a spiritual director, who has been to a place I blog about often. Anne Mascelli has kindly let me quote her recent e-mails.

"The more I look at the mandala the more it draws me in. I feel like it somehow expresses who I am at a very deep level. I think it is a testament to the connection Andrea and I have, from over 20 years of friendship, that she chose this mandala for me. I think I will be seeing more and more in it for a very long time." Anne Mascelli

The Jesuits ask me to imagine things, so how about this---- One day I am sitting at a table sharing spiritual journeys with Anne, when the lights dim, Andrea begins to sing, and Dr Ed's soul smiles upon us.


Like I said, "draw a circle..."

Crafting on Thursdays- greeting the day, a testimonial

Mosaic Woman and I just had a business meeting at the local diner. She had spent some time today consulting with Tara Gentile to help us in thinking big about our growing craft business. And thus inspired to move on something we had previously chatted about, we made a list of folk who we would be honored to have write a testimonial to add to our websites.

But I was thinking, that if we expect others to believe in us then we better believe in us to, so here is my testimonial.

The other night I blogged about how a day ended and night came. However, I said nothing about how I was awed by how the previous night had ended that very morning. I don't sleep in well at home, or on retreats. Or I guess I am an early riser, so when I arose that morning, what greeted me was a dark circle and a cross hanging in the window. They could have been made out of black glass for all that it mattered. Something moved inside of me to not roll over or to hop out of bed. Instead I watched my glass come into being. The cross became full fast. Light colors that were more than willing to let light reach my eyes (photos were taken at another time, but during my retreat at the Jesuit Center in Wernersville, PA) ...







But the mandala had other plans. And at one point 4/21 exposed itself to my eyes. Then the light green came alive as the blue slowly emerged. The dark violet came next and finally the light violet came to view. How long did it take? I can't tell you, but I knew I was witnessing a new day coming into existence and coming to me through the piece of stained glass I had made to be with me on retreat. The day was unfolding and I was being aware.






However, the 21st piece remained dark. And I knew from observing the mandala for a few days that I would have to lay still for quite a while if I wanted the day to be complete. Later that day it was full...







and that night I watched as the light that had emerged in the morning left so that soon another day could come into being. So, yes indeedy... I dig my stained glass.


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how it ended

This is how the Jesuits at Wernersville end an 8 day retreat.... a morning mass.

The homily is given over to the silent folk and the Jesuits just ask for us to be short about our reflections. It's been over a month but I said something like this:

Walking into this retreat 8 days ago, I was greeted warmly by Father Jack, but just on the other side of him I saw a huge list. I nearly gave up on drawing cards for all of you but your presence here means so much to me. It is how I say thanks for your willingness to be with me in silence. I have received so much. I am leaving here today with a calling to make art and to greet God as I enter my studio. Your cards and thanks are going into my studio as a physical reminder of what this retreat has meant to me.

In my studio window is the cross that goes deep (see Jim's comment) and on my walls are cards and slips of paper containing words written in silence. I stand in my studio surrounded by reminders of how powerful a gift of God can be, if shared with the world.

Then it was over and the introvert, who is not so good at hearing nice things about himself, braced himself for some positive attention. Don't these people know how hard it is to hug someone.

anyway, choosing to enter into a relationship with God is far from easy, not always comforting, but can be down right amazing.

Going deeper, imagining myself on the boat

So I am one who would rather be in the shadows of the crowd, not in the spotlight of the boat.

When I returned to Matthew 14: 13-21 in the evening, I followed the meditation I had been given by my spiritual director, so instead of being fed by the disciples, I became a distributor of the food.

A few years back I spent a retreat asking for a some direction in my life. Should I focus on horticulture, teaching, stained glass, spirituality? So for a week of silence I asked and asked and asked. And didn't hear the answer. so I probably asked again.

I once sent out an e-mail at work in which I signed off Hope, Peace, and Joy. A friend wrote back and said that Hope had left town a long time ago.

I can't seem to walk with God and believe my friend is correct. And if my friend is correct and despair runs rampant, then maybe I need to continue to live out what may just be my calling. Except for all those moments when I do not help to bring forth the amazing gifts of the spirit... hope, peace, and joy.... and I see amazing challenges looming at work.

So the answer I did not hear when I kept asking was.... , "Yes, feel free to do all those things."

as I read Matthew these words said by Jesus resonated, "Give them something to eat themselves."

If the desire is there, the hungry can be fed. My students can feel joy inside a classroom. My colleagues can feel a bit more peace at work. My donations can bring hope to those in need.

here is a path I didn't take (fear of ticks) and my favorite from a series trying to photograph fish...

thanks for visiting, you are more than welcomed to comment.

Going Deeper, the fourth day --- Tanner and Mary and the blue Sky

After the first dinner of the retreat, you have a social activity, of sorts. All who are going to be companioned by a director show up at her/his office. I was the last to arrive and I was guided by a gesture to a chair. The chair offered quite a view.

But first this... I have been going to the Jesuit Center in Wernersville for about ten years. During that time you get to recognize the staff, from the maintenance folk, to the chef, to the woman who used to serve food but now cleans my room before and after I leave, to the office staff. One of these good folk would always pop up at mass and I was quite covetous of a job where you not only get a coffee break but you can get a Jesuit homily and the holy Eucharist while you were at it. And there she was guiding me to a chair in her office.I never knew she was also a spiritual director.

The chair had me facing a wall and on that wall was a painting. A highly favored painting by Henry Tanner. I live just north of the museum that own it. Prints and images of it seem to follow me.

By our fourth meeting a routine is set. My director gives me a meditation which I use as morning and evening prayer, I fall into a favored passage for my afternoon prayer. She is off making a copy of a meditation and I am staring at Mary. I decide I will do the Magnificat this afternoon. She walks in with a meditation on Mary's trip to Elizabeth and the Magnificat (Luke 1: 39-56).

She says, "When you speak of your friend, I think of Mary and Elizabeth." An hour later my imagination takes off once again and I am guiding Mary by hand to the Honda Fit and we hit the PA turnpike driving west. Mary changes from a teen to a woman my age mourning a son. I need both for this trip. A trip that takes me to a door step I have never seen and to my childhood. For days I have been wondering what to say when I write my friend. Now the letter takes form and I draw another card to fit inside that envelope.

after listening to those jazz tunes about Blue Skies... oh my, cool crisp Canadian air arrives and there it is...

deeper places, part 2 falling into silence, search for a calling

a friend reading this post, asks...

So this was a completely silent retreat? 8 days?

I arrived in time to unpack before dinner, send out one last facebook status, then went to eat. The dinner does not require silence so you have one opportunity to discern a friend or two before you stop talking. Then the silence begins... for next seven full days the only sustained conversation is a daily meeting with your director. A handful of times a day, I will break silence to say something profound like... Good Morning or Thank You. The daily mass allows for liturgical speech and singing, and you do get to pass the peace out loud.

Like I said, sometimes it ain't no vacation. The 8th morning you can converse at 7:30.

The first two passages given to me for reflection were callings, Isaiah 43: 1-7. and Jeremiah 1: 4-19. A couple years back I asked God if there was a calling in my life and if so I would pursue it with my whole heart. I didn't get an answer.

In Isaiah's passage God says he is honored to know the man. The word honored flew out at me, well not the first, or second, or third time I read it, but when I returned to it in the evening. I have thought of being loved, healed, taught, redeemed... by God. But is God honored to know me? This was something new. How could an all powerful knowing loving God be honored to know a lowly fool human like myself?

The next day I woke up with this thought, "May I live out this day in such a way that you will be honored to know me." I thought... "OK, that is good enough, I can pack my bags and go home." and then I said (silently of course),

"and feel free to tell me what you are calling me to do?"

That day my director gave me Jeremiah, one of my favorite passages. "I will put words into your mouth" and "As you prepare yourself for action..."

I thought about staff meetings and what ended up happening to the prophet.

...

Drawing cards, part 2---- losing spirit, being lifted up

As I reported in cards part 1, there were quite a few cards to draw. So as a warm up I drew one for myself, taped it to my wall, drew another card, sent it to Mosaic Woman, who would also have a card sent on Friday morning and another sent on Saturday.

By Saturday afternoon I was fading. I was closing in on thirty cards. It was feeling forced. Then I went to dinner.

There is something about 21 straight silent meals with the same group of people. For some the meals are an invasion into their solitude, for me it is a glorious reminder that I am far from traveling this path alone. Some folk tell me they wish they could one day go on an 8 days retreat. I wish they all can experience one. It is not always easy and one needs to get lifted up along the way, even when you are feeling connected to God. The days can be long. Way long. It is not a vacation from what you left behind, it is a journey into yourself where all that stuff has been lost and examined while you live your busy life.

That Saturday dinner did the trick. I sat in the dining room making eye contact with as many folk as I could and watching those who were being private with their eyes. I so wanted to thank them for coming to dinner with me. I imagined 21 straight meals in an empty dining hall; then headed back into my room and the callous on my thumb grew larger.

Sunday proved to be a greater challenge, much greater than drawing the cards. Especially the three for Margaret:

Temptation in the silence

Been thinking of the temptations that come to me when I go to be silent at the Jesuit Retreat Center in Wernersville. As I was walking about Lansdale this morning, I welcomed the fact that I knew some of the temptations that greet me there. I thought of how the newly baptized Jesus headed out into the wilderness. He was clearly prepared for the temptations, his responses show us he was ready.

How ready am I? The next time I go on retreat, will I be able to quote scripture to fight off the following?

The Jesuit Center has graciously provided a computer for those on retreat. I have been pulled into the room in the past. Can I walk by it for a weekend retreat, let alone 8 days? No e-mail, facebook, Flickr. I desire to avoid it. The voice shows up... "It will be OK if you just do this." I feel it is best to avoid. A break from the internet may be a good thing every now and then.

Down in the Amish Room are snacks, including a virtually unlimited supply of potato chips. I am thinking I don't need to eat that many chips, especially since I have been known to stop by the dessert table each evening.

The mind wants to roam from here to there. How wonderful it would be if it remained in the present moment of the present retreat. Can I avoid counting the days that are left? Can I not wish for a more "meaningful" experience? Can I greet each moment as a blessing of a unique opportunity to stop and be with God? Do I really need to drive to see the garden like I have in the past? Can I resist taking science books to prepare for teaching lessons when I return? Can I not compare a present retreat with past retreats? If moved to draw cards for fellow retreaters, can I just go with the desire? Do I have to do this every time? Can I just be? Can I be aware of when my mind is taking me away from the retreat, greet the thought and let it move on? My mind will wonder. Can be aware of the temptation to not be in the present moment?

Ignatius believed that God was in all things. So maybe I am wrong about the computer, potato chips, and my unmindful nature. Maybe it is in those things, where I will find God. Maybe not.

One last photo from Wernersville... when I saw this image of me standing on a stump, I became aware... of how much I needed new sneakers.

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