apparently my heart has a silent retreat rhythm

from my journal at the Jesuit Center, Image by Wayne Stratz

Summer school teaching ended today. For the past several years that meant I would be going on a silent retreat. However, I went in June. But my heart is prepared for silence and taking my mug to Wernersville.

I considered a short trip, but am thinking it won't happen for a variety of reasons. Maybe I need to reserve a room for this fall. A place to go with a favorite mug...

At the Jesuit Center in Wernersville with a Pam Cummings Mug. Image by Wayne Stratz

Flowing in the Living Water

I am The Living Water
Banner
Holy Trinity Lansdale

It has been 17 years or so since I returned to church. I still have my doubts, but I cannot not doubt that the journey has transformed me.

Mosaic Woman has journeyed with me day by day and has unfolded along with me. We are blessed to have become people who still desire to share lives together.

This past year I reconnected with some friends I knew back in college. One came to town on business and I fed him pizza. One I actually picked up a phone and called. One I met halfway, by a river we both love from those days in college.

I pondered the chances of people disconnected for nearly three decades to have become new people who still would want to be friends with each other. In each case, I am glad to call them my friend. 

Watching the river that day with my friend, I was baffled; the river seemed to be flowing in opposite directions. Finally I asked if she saw what I saw. Rivers are turbulent. In fact trying to get any water to flow without any turbulence is quite difficult.

17 years ago I was afraid to leap into the living water. Where would it take me? I imagined places that I feared. Could I become shaped by God into a person I didn't want to be? A wise man told me that I did not have to believe anything, just be willing to take a journey.

The turbulence has transformed me, but so far not into what I feared. Who knew God wanted me to garden, to listen to jazz, to transform my doodles into glass sun catchers, to decide that creating joy is the ultimate goal of my teaching, to invite 50+ people a year to my house for pizza, to learn how to imagine the pain of others so I can open this stoic heart a bit more day by day, to become an Episcopalian, to find a place to finally release my pain and return year after year for eight days of silence with Jesuits ...

The journey has pushed me into so many places That I have to wonder who this new self is. Then I visit with three of my best friends from back in the day, and I can now see that I am flowing in the living water and I am pleased to have inched myself in a bit deeper each year.

After the Ugly Oyster, a new beginning for silence

Wernersville Tree ~ as I approached 

Having left the arts and crafts pub in Reading, it was a direct route to the Jesuit Center but a road not yet travelled.  I would be filled with thoughts of riches and poverty and how crossing one boundary can lead to such radical changes as I simply drove out of Reading into West Reading.  Do people drive this everyday? Do they get used to it?

The brain will get used to silence.  Thirty hours in I woke up and felt it.  I had made the transition.

I am not a fan of superlatives... Questions like who is your favorite band can baffle me.  I used to be able to say I never read a lot on retreats.  But I fell into the writings of (let me be safe here) one of the most influential authors in my life, Frederick Buechner.  

I came across his book The Clown in The Belfry as I weeded my bookcase of spiritual writings recently.  It is a collection of essays and sermons thrown together for the sake of making a book.  Not my most favorite thing.  But I hadn't read it.  

It proved to be a path into the many ways he has influenced my faith.  By the time I woke up 30 hours into the retreat, I realized that I only had three chapters left.  It made sense ~  one for that morning and one each for the last two mornings of the retreat.  I could not have planned it better.

As I look back at the book, I see that the last essay I read, before I woke up feeling the silence, had ended with this paragraph.  And this may be the coolest thing ever ~ 

Let us instead tell a story which is the story about every one of us,  It is a story about a pig, and a fox, and an ass under his holy and appalling burden.  It is the story about a mouth pushed crooked, about a voice breaking.  Let the rest be Christ's silence.

Wernersville Tree ~ about to step inside

Mystical Monday, Hafiz and what he never heard the sun say

photo by Wayne Stratz
UCC cemetery
Wernersville, PA

 
at the end of the day, do you celebrate what created awe in your waking hours?  How about today, what happened?

as for me. I sat back and watched a horticulture student, who would never be placed in my physics class, do what any good scientist would do... play with lab materials and examine what happened.

The Sun Never Says

Even

after

all this time

the sun never says to the Earth,

"You owe me."

Look

what happens

with a love like that--

it lights the whole

world.

by Hafiz

from:

Translations by Daniel Ladinsky

Mystical Mondays: entering the world of Hafiz

a striped rose that blesses my
unfolding years

How have you been encouraged?  

Can you imagine not being called to bloom with the roses?

Do you know I hope to see it?

How Did The Rose?

How

did the Rose

ever open its heart

and give to this world all of its beauty?

It felt the encouragement of light against its being,

otherwise we all remain too

frightened.

by Hafiz

from:

Translations by Daniel Ladinsky

Mystical Monday--- as I pack for Silence

Translations by Daniel Ladinsky

As I reviewed the last seven love poems, this one leapt out at me.  It expands what I see my role in a universe that unfolds.  If this is true, being aware of it unfolding is not the only key, but I also have a role in helping it to unfold.

and with that thought I prepare for a bit of silence myself and leave you with this,

may it help the unfolding that is happening inside our hearts.

Expands His Being

All beings
are words of God,
His music, His
art.

Sacred books we are, for the infinite camps
in our
souls.

Every act reveals God and expands His being.
I know that may be hard
to comprehend.

All creatures are doing their best
to help God in His birth
of Himself.

Enough talk for the night.
He is laboring in me;

I need to be silent
for a while,

worlds are forming
in my heart.

Meister Eckhart

The Spiritual Practice of Drawing Cards

Stratozpheric Cards from Lent by Wayne Stratz 

What you see above are the final six cards I drew by way of my Lenten practice of drawing cards for staff members at my school.  In all 35 people were chosen by...  Count down 21 names, draw a card, count down 21 names draw a card...

Some of the people I treasure the most at work got a card, some who I was sad to say, "Who is that?" got a card.  But that was part of the practice, to let the number 21 guide me, not my opinion on who should get a card.

and I was reminded of the positive energy that flows back to me when I take the time draw a card...

Thanks for the lovely drawing it was a great way to start the day

Thanks for  the lovely card! It was such a nice treat to see this morning.  I had the day off on Friday, so it brightened my Monday! I will find a nice location to display it in my office

Thank you so much for the drawing!!!  It was a beautiful suprise to find in my mail box this morning!!!!!!!!!

Thank you for the BEAUTIFUL flower painting - I love it and have already bought a frame for it.  You are very talented and I appreciate you sharing your talent with me! Have a great day.

Thanks so much for the art work.  I don’t know what made you think of me, but your “symbol of hope and peace” couldn’t have come at a better time.

God bless,

Thanks for the card!  The warm colors are very pleasant and soothing to look at.

You brightened my day.

I just wanted to thank you for brightening up my day!! You are so thoughtful and I love it!! I hope you have a good day!! J 

and finally...

Just got your drawing.  That’s cool, thanks

I think I may continue on.

more Rabia on Mystical Mondays

on facebook this weekend I saw someone rant about how God was harshly greeting Joe Paterno, and it just doesn't match with my version of heaven, a place where we are met with amazing love and forgiveness.


so the question is, how did Joe respond, how will I respond?


I like what Rabia imagined the after life to be...

CHERISH MYSELF

I know how it will be when I die 

My beauty will be so extraordinary that God will worship me. 

He will not worship me from a distance, for our minds will have wed, 

Our souls will have flowed into each other. 

How to say this: God and I Will forever cherish myself. 

also from this past week, how the moon, which as Wisdom reflects the light of God, can brings us closer to our lovers:

THEY MIGHT HOLD HANDS

Maybe if I brought the moon a little closer

lovers would argue

less.

They might hold hands outside and point to

the heavens and say,

"I think God is up to

something

sweet!"

last week's Mystical Monday

My to do list, Examen the next Day

Back in August, in the midst of silence at Wernersville, well, in the midst of the one conversation I had that particular day, my spiritual director gave me a book to read.

I may have said something like this... "even the thought of how it may be good to get ready for my 8 days of silence, did not bring me back to praying the Examen."

My spiritual director handed me a book by Jim Manney while telling me about how it had rejuvenated her passion for the Examen. So I read it. And what struck me was how I had always resisted/ignored/avoided the part of the prayer about examening the next day. So I placed it into practice, and now four and a half months since I left that hill top, almost every night I sit down and look at my expected day. I check off what I did, but also examen what did not happen. The goal for me is to list what I fully expect to do the next day: teach about momentum, plant marjoram seeds, consult with a colleague, listen to jazz, hope, continue on with the big mandala project, pierogies for dinner, e-mail this friend, lift weights, ..... As I examen my future, I ponder: which are bringing me the gladness of anticipation for the next day and which bring me reluctance to face the day...

and which have I been avoiding but keep placing on the list.

So I came home and ordered the book.  I loaned it to a friend, and now I can imagine taking it out to the Jesuit Center when I spend a night there in February, a fine time to get recharged with a second read

.

tennis, tropical storms and the ground hog as the prodigal son

 

I was sitting on the steps by the well  (see yesterday's post for cool well photos) because as Tropical Storm Irene approached, I wanted to see a tennis player.  I met her a year ago while on retreat and had thought she was rather graceful with a tennis racket.  I hoped that I would get to see her play.  So I marveled at the speed of the clouds and the tennis when up popped a ground hog.

Ground hogs are near the top of my critters which need to be called varmints list because of the feasting they have done at the school's garden.  The varmint may have sensed my distaste and popped back down out of my evil eye zone.

Then it popped back up.  The tennis player and the clouds were doing their things but my eyes were on the varmint as it approached me.  It passed the well and neared the bottom of the steps, at which point I decided that it was plenty close.  I made my presence known.  Now really it should have fled from one whose heart has been filled with much hatred in the past, but it didn't.  Maybe it sensed I was not in a killing mood.  It eventually turned right and walked away.

and it made me think of the prodigal son walking home and I was the father.  The son and groundhog were brave to approach what could have been a very ugly scene.

as I sit here I think how brave it is for my students, who have less than stellar days, to come back into my classroom.  But they march in like a foolish ground hog, knowing that even though I have no reason to forgive them, I really have no other option if I want to be their teacher. 

I guess that is what the Kingdom of Heaven is like.  

and it is not like the days I hold a grudge against imperfect students or despise hungry groundhogs. 

Psalm 139 revisited by a goof-ass

Psalm 139:  Verse 13:  You created my inmost self, knit me together in my mother's womb.

Several years ago, maybe 8 or so, I entered the Jesuit Center in Wernersville for my first 8 day retreat and was met with a note suggesting I read Psalm 139.  Verse 13 would bring out tears waiting over 30 years to emerge and I ranted at God for dropping a stitch when he created my urethra.

As this year's retreat neared an end, I told the director who I love, that I wanted to revisit the psalm.  and she said, "Yes, why not thank God for creating you as a goof-ass."

and thus I knew she had been listening to me earlier in the week.

so I did.

(the wall in the photo is where I break away from silence in the evening to say howdy to Mosaic Woman)

Wordless Wednesday: Anoint Me

Vlog: a return to the spiritual

I used to be a spiritual blogging fool, but not so much these days, but a sermon on Sunday by my friend Deborah Darlington, my grandma's quilt, a favored hymn, and several in process mosaics...

thoughts on the scraps of faithfulness

This morning I had breakfast under this Blue Dolphin with a flickr friend, who I had never seen or talked to before, but two people who watch each others lives unfold in photos, do get to know each other. Check out her photos.


I had featured some of the projects I had made from left-overs of spelling out Faithfulness on flickr. My friend asked about my use of "scraps" of faithfulness. I agreed with her that scraps is a strange word that brings up positive and negative images. What exactly are the scraps of faithfulness? So I was thinking about it and a Bible passage came to mind.

Matthew 15 from The Message:

^21-22From there Jesus took a trip to Tyre and Sidon. They had hardly arrived when a Canaanite woman came down from the hills and pleaded, "Mercy, Master, Son of David! My daughter is cruelly afflicted by an evil spirit."

²³Jesus ignored her. The disciples came and complained, "Now she's bothering us. Would you please take care of her? She's driving us crazy."

²⁴Jesus refused, telling them, "I've got my hands full dealing with the lost sheep of Israel."

²⁵Then the woman came back to Jesus, went to her knees, and begged. "Master, help me."

²⁶He said, "It's not right to take bread out of children's mouths and throw it to dogs."

²⁷She was quick: "You're right, Master, but beggar dogs do get scraps from the master's table."

²⁸Jesus gave in. "Oh, woman, your faith is something else. What you want is what you get!" Right then her daughter became well.

So maybe my scrap projects are for those of us who will put God to the test. To stretch the limits of God's love to even us, who don't really deserve it, but if we ask and id we refuse to accept anything but love, we can see the healing power of God.

welcome sign

mandala

and doodle

...

faithfulness 2: it is a heavy word

The letters are cut but the thoughts and scraps of orange glass remain floating about my head.

I spoke of faithfulness the other night when I met with my spirit group at Gwynedd Friends Meeting House. I spoke of my new wedding ring. Then I said, "Faithfulness is a heavy word."

When I finished talking the group fell into silence, then folk asked me questions. One was to talk more about the heaviness. I tumbled into thoughts. I spoke of how joy, love, and peace were light words. I spoke of the ever presence of doubts. It seemed like I had not gotten a huge piece of fruit called faithfulness. But it is not like I don't also have sadness, hatred, and angst in my life. There seemed to be a huge "should" weighing fown the word. I can't imagine a God saying, "You better be joyful or not." But it seemed like I had no problem with God demanding faithfulness. It was not a fruit that grew within me, but a command. I wanted to spend time with the word.

For days I have been seeing the reflection of the letters in a mirror. The reflection is not heavy. I like that image and want to travel deeper into the word.

as always, I am curious what you think.

...

Another Earth

Sometimes when you sit down with no idea, all you can do is stumble.

There is a movie out there called Another Earth, I can't tell you how good it is, but it is about how a moment changes your life. In this case a tragic moment.

This year in my science classes we have explored turning points in the lives of some scientists.

Something catches their soul and it resonates so loudly it becomes their life. I want my students to be aware that life can be such an adventure.

If there was another Earth, with another you, could that you have stumbled upon the same thing that has created your passion? Could it not have?

7 for the weekend--- Lenten Benefits

Can't say that I consistently find a goal to help me get closer to God during Lent. In years past I have given up news, red meat, potato chips...

This year I have decided to get off the computer by 8:30 every evening, and except when I am writing a blog post I plan to monitor my time on said piece of technology.

Benefits:


1. More sleep. If I begin to unwind towards sleeping earlier maybe my brain will have time to develop answers to what it has not figured out during waking hours. Science is proving much about the value of sleep. Giving ourselves rest follows that suggestion to love ourselves so we know how to love others.

2. More reading. I rarely read these days, except for the last moments of my day, so if I unwind toward my bed sooner, the more I will read.

3. More time in the studio. I have been blessed with some stained glass commissions and we have another house number commission to start. There are so many designs I want to revisit and new ones I want to imagine. Yesterday I sold the above piece to a friend, who I had not seen in 30 years. It is a piece that surprised me by how much I loved it, so it is even cooler that a friend bought it. I want to do a series of black and "fill in a color" 3-pointed starflowers. But need to give myself time to bring them out of my head to windows.

4. More time to pray. Praying is again part of that unwinding to bed routine and if I start it earlier, I would hope that I will spend more evenings examining my day with God.

5. Mosaic Woman. Mosaic Woman to wants to unwind, so if she knows she can have the computer at 8:30 to do a final task or two, she can be done before 9:00.

6. Banging louder on the drum: I have a large drum sitting next to my prayer space and I have been picking it up while praying. But if I pray late at night, one has to be careful not to annoy neighbors (we live in a row home and share a wall).

7. The unknown: though I have other ideas of how this will benefit my life, I am also looking forward to welcoming the unexpected.

any Lenten changes emerging in your life?


...