Going Forth: What does one take from a Silent Retreat?

The second Ignatian Star: a design from Silence by Wayne Stratz

The Jesuits are glad to have us there for a time to be in silence, but they are joyful when we leave. It is then that the awakening of silence grows. No matter what the silence brings: days of wresting with God, a week of rest and rejuvenation, insight into who you truly are, hope to make the right decision, and/or a stained glass design. 

In 2013 I drew a design of an asymmetrical seven-pointed star. Each point consisting of three pieces of glass, which gives me that number I love, 21. It sat for nearly a full year before I made use of it. I remember feeling pressure of going on a retreat without having used a design from the previous. Feeling moved, I chose Three types of Youghiogheny Glass and this emerged:

The original take on the Ignatian Star by Wayne Stratz feauturing three varieties of Youghiogheny Glass

Retreats are where prayers are formed. Truth learned. Journeys begin. They are not vacations from everyday life. Everyday life can fuel what happens on a retreat. What do I truly desire from this life I am given? What pain needs to be released? How can hope remain?

They live on in you like a design drawn on an old wooden desk. The best work will resurface:

Ignatian Star: a design worth revisiting by Wayne Stratz

PS ... I do remember the moment in time the first one sold. It was in my living room and it was to friends, who had come to our open studio in 2014. To purchase an Ignatian Star: Go this this section of my shop which is where they reside

A Starting Place For Jazz in My Church

 

I had posted a link to my acceptance that jazz in my church would be a journey that could not be predicted. One friend thought that action was needed, not just examens, and another friend offered up a suggestion on Facebook. The suggestion: Jazz playing in the background at an adult discussion that I am leading. I don't want to to that, but the suggestion led to imagining a series of adult discussions that centered about a jazz standard and reflections on spiritual writings that are connected to the standard. This could happen quicker and easier without the scheduling and planning that a bigger event would require. I'm not big on those two things. Eventually my desire for jazz in my church could grow and expand.

We will see. Maybe it will start with Willow Weep For Me, a tune that touched me this summer in the midst of silence.

 

Willow Weep For Me (b) ~> Renée Yoxon sings

Eventually I emerged from the tree, but I continued to spend time with the tune as my silent retreat unfolded. Turned out I had several versions on my iPod but only one with vocals. I was not disappointed.

Renée Yoxon sings it beautifully. LISTEN HERE

Willow weep for me

Bend your branches down along the ground

and cover me

 

Emerging From a Comfortable Silence

I drove up to sunflowers that dazzled me Monday at noon. The eight days of silence had gone as smoothe as any retreat I had been on, it felt comfortable from beginning to end. Well, except my spiritual director kept asking me how I felt about this, that, and the other thing. But that's her job, too take me deeper into my experience.

I fully expected to come home and storm social media with a last days drive to meet my campaign to feed the hungry. And it started that way, but it just didn't feel right. And the hours are ticking by to midnight in California turns the campaign to a pumpkin on August 31.

I want to write reflections, not flood the Internet with requests for help.

Nearly 30 years ago I was walking door to door trying to spread the good message of the environment. I was OK with getting folk to listen to me, but terrible at raising money. Thus I did not get paid to do it for very long. I am pleased to having raised over $1000.00. But I am tired of asking for money.

I have made Manna on Main known to my friends. I have passed along some information about hunger. But I feel more compelled to be in my studio, in my garden, and with friends then doing a final flurry. 

I once rode my bicycle to the Catskills. I would pull into campgrounds much to the amazement of those, who had arrived in trucks pulling campers. What I remember most from the trip is the desire those new neighbors had to feed me. I was far from starving, but I was much better fed when I moved on the next morning. I did not know where I would stop, but it always turned out that I was invited to a meal.

Now I am curious how that kindness might have led to a lifetime of supporting people who feed the hungry, and to the pleasure I have inviting folk over for dinner. As I write this, I am hoping to draw more cards of thanks for those who support my goal of 21 hundred dollars. But I am ready to be content passing on these final thoughts. 

Feed the hungry.

Donate to your local food pantry.

Volunteer, they need hands as well as money.

Put a huge basket for canned goods in your church or office.

Feed the hungry.

The journey ends where it began.

Wisdom of Hafiz and in glass

I am thinking about how art emerges while I am on retreats, as I work on a piece designed at the Jesuit Center months ago. This past weekend I entered silence and left with five designs for commissions. While there I read some poems by Hafiz over and over. This one spoke to me as I tried to be still ~

Just

sit there right now.

Don't do a thing. Just rest.

For your

separation from God

is the hardest work in this world.

Let me bring you trays of food and something

that you like to

drink.

You can use my soft words

as a cushion

for your

head.

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Reflections from Silence ~ Psalm 21, 42, 63 and Flannery O'Connor

Light and Darkness at the Jesuit Center

In my last reflection I mentioned going to the library.  Buechner was mostly read and in the midst of the essays was an essay about Flanner O'Connor.  I could have used the classic card catalogue by myself but the rare sighting of the librarian and the aloe plant on her desk inspired me to be guided to a book.   OK I was desperate for a brief conversation.  And a few moments later I was headed back to my room with her collected stories.

My friend Michelle had thought playing with psalms was the way to go, so I read a psalm a day while on retreat.  21, 42, then 63 led the way.  In each case we start with an author who is praising his Lord, but at the end the author was overwhelmed by hatred and asked God to smash some enemies.

While in the O'Connor stories I was randomly chosing (by titles, not by counting by 21's), I kept being introduced to these main characters who seemed likable, especially in their own mind.  But they all seemed done in by hatred.  The hate was directed in many a direction but it emerged from the otherwise nice characters.

Today a friend needed a favor.  As we drove together I began to rant about something that had emerged at work that day.  I apologized for ranting.  Later I realized I had not followed rule 12 of 21 very well.  So now I work on that forgiveness thing.

My local library had the stories and tonight I met another one of those characters done in by hatred.

Here is to celebrating God minus the rants.

After the Ugly Oyster, a new beginning for silence

Wernersville Tree ~ as I approached 

Having left the arts and crafts pub in Reading, it was a direct route to the Jesuit Center but a road not yet travelled.  I would be filled with thoughts of riches and poverty and how crossing one boundary can lead to such radical changes as I simply drove out of Reading into West Reading.  Do people drive this everyday? Do they get used to it?

The brain will get used to silence.  Thirty hours in I woke up and felt it.  I had made the transition.

I am not a fan of superlatives... Questions like who is your favorite band can baffle me.  I used to be able to say I never read a lot on retreats.  But I fell into the writings of (let me be safe here) one of the most influential authors in my life, Frederick Buechner.  

I came across his book The Clown in The Belfry as I weeded my bookcase of spiritual writings recently.  It is a collection of essays and sermons thrown together for the sake of making a book.  Not my most favorite thing.  But I hadn't read it.  

It proved to be a path into the many ways he has influenced my faith.  By the time I woke up 30 hours into the retreat, I realized that I only had three chapters left.  It made sense ~  one for that morning and one each for the last two mornings of the retreat.  I could not have planned it better.

As I look back at the book, I see that the last essay I read, before I woke up feeling the silence, had ended with this paragraph.  And this may be the coolest thing ever ~ 

Let us instead tell a story which is the story about every one of us,  It is a story about a pig, and a fox, and an ass under his holy and appalling burden.  It is the story about a mouth pushed crooked, about a voice breaking.  Let the rest be Christ's silence.

Wernersville Tree ~ about to step inside

Packing For Silence Revisited

Wernerville Cross
by Wayne Stratz
Hangs at the Jesuit Center

As I mentioned in my last blog post, a blog post mentioning a mug brought me into the world of the RevGals

I just read that post to see if the items remain the same. It has for the most part. The pool stick is not huge these days as I trust to find a functional one at the Jesuit Center. Port has been replaced at times with ales and there was the one retreat I took a bottle of Absinthe.

At home when faced with the desire to cut glass I rarely drink. By the end of a silent day... a beverage while chatting with God through an examen makes sense.

My habit of drawing cards for others at the retreat center and of drawing future glass designs means once again I will be packing up a bit of my studio.

You never know how it will go, but I still have Michelle's post about playing with the psalms in my head. Random psalm prayers may be the way to go. But the object is not to force an agenda on the retreat.  No different than forcing a lesson plan onto my students,  It will unfold and all I ask is to unfold with it.

The RevGals ~ my connection started with a mug

Soon I will be entering silence. A chance to clear my head from technology and to hear what emerges. I will be leaving the iPad and I will be packing my mug.

In 2007 I was in the second month of this blog when I was packing for silence. A woman named Michelle popped into my life to comment that she does the same thing. Michelle and I have become friends all because we take mugs to Wernersville. Our art graces her home and some amazing commissions have flowed across oceans because of her. I spoke to her college students about how spirituality touches my art. Cards that have her writing have brightened my days.

A few weeks back I put in a request to join RevGals as a friend. I am not either, but through Michelle I have become friends with others including Robin who also digs silence. As I waited to hear back, my church asked me to give a sermon. I quoted Michelle.

I am taking my mug, but also a hope that I will get lost in prayer in the same way as I do when I draw designs. This year is different, I will not have a director to talk to daily. I am considering traveling to a diner to chat with a waitress, but likely will not do any such thing.

Today, a friend who leads retreats at her Windward Farms, walked through my garden. When I talked to her about self-direction, Dorothy encouraged me to write to go deeper. So, here I am.

and that is why I now have a RevGal button on the side of my blog and why I will be taking a break from social media in the future and why I hope to return with words written to share here.  Having a bounty of spiritual friends wishing me well is a splendid thing.

Meeting a tree

Longwood Gardens, where a Beech helped me to stretch.
photo by Margaret Almon

The woman ducks into the tree.  Yes, that is what happened.  I was in the land of silence for a day and as I emerged from the Jesuit Center I saw a woman gently move the weeping branches so that she could venture into the tree.

How many times have I not looked closely at this wonderful tree I ask myself?  As I walk by the tree, I see the woman has climbed it.   I note this as marvelous and keep walking.  As I return the woman is emerging from the tree and I am moved to not be silent.  I approach her, apologize for my lack of silence, and thank her for introducing me to the tree.  It is clear that she loves the tree.

I draw a card for the woman who ducks into trees.  I include our business car so that she can connect if she so desires.

The next morning I duck into the tree.  Weeks pass.

I got an e-mail from the woman who ducks into trees and it inspired me to put together a set of photos of some trees I have met along the way.  Some are at Wernersville (I did not have my camera to take a photo of the weeping tree, but I will be back), many are Dogwoods, but not the one that graced my front yard when I was a child and teen.  But Dogwoods surround me.  My neighbor's stretches out to me when I walk down my porch steps.  At work one is the centerpiece of the largest flower garden my students and I maintain, and at church one greets me whenever I walk down the block.

Feel free to introduce me to a tree.  It makes my day more splendid.

Mystical Monday--- as I pack for Silence

Translations by Daniel Ladinsky

As I reviewed the last seven love poems, this one leapt out at me.  It expands what I see my role in a universe that unfolds.  If this is true, being aware of it unfolding is not the only key, but I also have a role in helping it to unfold.

and with that thought I prepare for a bit of silence myself and leave you with this,

may it help the unfolding that is happening inside our hearts.

Expands His Being

All beings
are words of God,
His music, His
art.

Sacred books we are, for the infinite camps
in our
souls.

Every act reveals God and expands His being.
I know that may be hard
to comprehend.

All creatures are doing their best
to help God in His birth
of Himself.

Enough talk for the night.
He is laboring in me;

I need to be silent
for a while,

worlds are forming
in my heart.

Meister Eckhart

Lenten Practice, bringing the Jesuit Center Home

check out the time

doing what I do there, Wernersville that is...

1.  Turn on the i Pod and go to tune 21, then stretch out and listen to music and breathe.

2.  Draw cards.  I have a history of drawing many cards while at the Jesuit Center.  Now I am 21-ing people at work.  I printed out a copy of the school's phone directory and while I did choose the first person to get a card, but then I counted 21 names and drew the next card, then again, then again.  When I reach 21, I may be staring at a name that brings on a variety of reactions, but that is part of the exercise.  The 21 gets a card.  I sign the card, then write hope and peace on the envelope and stick it in their mail slot.

March is going to be crazed.  An on-line class on teaching physics has begun and will end the first week of April.  Three craft shows in four weeks.  And there is that ever present day job as a teacher.  So can I afford to listen to jazz with God and to step into the studio and not work on a commission or a piece for a show?  The bigger question is,  what if I said I didn't have time for these things?

so the question from God becomes, Shall We Tango?

what I learned during silence

The Shadow of Wayne Stratz
Jesuit Retreat Center
Wernersville, PA

"Troublemakers: Since no one really knows anything about God, those who think they do are just troublemakers." -~~~~ Rabia 8th century Sufi woman.


with that said, this is what I learned and/or retaught in 24 hours of silence: 

1. If you are really tired, then God will let you sleep through dinner and then will encourage you to go off grounds to get a meal.
2. God will provide you with prophets who speak of hope and allow you the time to reflect upon your childhood.
3. God will encourage you to draw designs, once you are rested.
4. God will let you see the nature of time and retreats.
5. God will have you listen to your heart and when it aches with some spiritual anxiety over letting go of your annual 8 day retreat, your spiritual director will send you a message:  "God knows what you are letting go of and will find a way to provide what you will miss."
6. God will give you a plan that lifts your spirit and hope to face the future.
7. God digs hanging out with people who listen to jazz.

WW: from the land of silence

prepping for teaching, silence, and pizza

I am not well known for my plans, though I have them, well kind of, well they are floating around in my brain and as they float by I tweak them till another thought distracts me. Slowly my plans come into shape.

But I have this week coming up, which when I signed my contract was going to be the 7th week of teaching, but then the powers that reign above me decided the students would only be there for six. I was given the option of being paid and showing up, or not being paid and staying away. I went for the money and with Mosaic Woman being laid off, that was a fine decision.

So I have five days in my classroom alone, except for the two Daves, who are in the same position. I am teaching a new science class again this year... Earth and Space Science, or what I will call The History of the Universe. And I have a week to prepare. I could get a lot done

On Friday I looked at my classroom and realized I had never been in one space for so long... closing in on ten years. And I thought I could spend some time making a collage, then I thought... tear down the whole thing, clear the walls, start new. I don't do that kind of thing.



But there is something else, it is coming on as soon as this week is over, something I do annually and just enter into, no preparing. But in church this morning I felt a need to prepare for silence. Not sure how.

For now I am getting ready for a friend's visit. Pizza time.

So what are you preparing for?

Going Deeper... inviting friends to dinner

Us introverts often sit silently at meetings and plan out what we want to say in our head, while the extroverts think out loud and then turn to us and say, "you have been quiet."

I have been thinking about a good friend all day and how as the rest of us have moaned about the heat and humidity, she has been living in unexpected silence. And as she follows doctor's orders and the sound of this universe does not enter inter her being, ... well try to imagine it and you will get some sense of how it feels.

I am haunted by the thought of missing music, Mosaic Woman's voice, the calls of birds, and my friends who desire to say kind things to me. I want to bring my friend joy. I did what I could when I sat next to her after church this morning, all the while feeling helpless.

A few weeks back we were going to meet up for Greek food, but the place was closed so we walked a few hundred extra steps for Thai. This morning before church I thought about my blog from last night and thought it would be cool to have this family over for Greek food.

But being with friends is painful for her and all I can think of is a goof-ass solution or two. We can eat as I do at Wernersville... silently. Or I can turn the jazz up so loud that none of us can hear each other.

For now I will go sit and pray and imagine an undesired silence and throw some of this out into the world...

Going deeper from this post

deeper places, part 2 falling into silence, search for a calling

a friend reading this post, asks...

So this was a completely silent retreat? 8 days?

I arrived in time to unpack before dinner, send out one last facebook status, then went to eat. The dinner does not require silence so you have one opportunity to discern a friend or two before you stop talking. Then the silence begins... for next seven full days the only sustained conversation is a daily meeting with your director. A handful of times a day, I will break silence to say something profound like... Good Morning or Thank You. The daily mass allows for liturgical speech and singing, and you do get to pass the peace out loud.

Like I said, sometimes it ain't no vacation. The 8th morning you can converse at 7:30.

The first two passages given to me for reflection were callings, Isaiah 43: 1-7. and Jeremiah 1: 4-19. A couple years back I asked God if there was a calling in my life and if so I would pursue it with my whole heart. I didn't get an answer.

In Isaiah's passage God says he is honored to know the man. The word honored flew out at me, well not the first, or second, or third time I read it, but when I returned to it in the evening. I have thought of being loved, healed, taught, redeemed... by God. But is God honored to know me? This was something new. How could an all powerful knowing loving God be honored to know a lowly fool human like myself?

The next day I woke up with this thought, "May I live out this day in such a way that you will be honored to know me." I thought... "OK, that is good enough, I can pack my bags and go home." and then I said (silently of course),

"and feel free to tell me what you are calling me to do?"

That day my director gave me Jeremiah, one of my favorite passages. "I will put words into your mouth" and "As you prepare yourself for action..."

I thought about staff meetings and what ended up happening to the prophet.

...

Silence with music

Giggles asked...Does silence count if you are listening to your ipod??

Yes it does.

When I am at the Jesuit Center I take music to listen to. It stays in my room except when I go to the exercise room. The Jesuits provide a music room that has a piano, a stereo and music to play on the stereo. There have been times I have sat in the hallway listening to another silent person play piano. So, I see no problem with listening to music in my room.

On my first 8 day retreat I was told some good advice---- when praying, try to last for an hour during each of the three daily prayer times. When not praying, don't pray. give it a break. This is not always possible, but it is more so if one has distractions.

I was also advised against bringing novels and books on spirituality (though they sell these in the book store). I was advised to read a biography if anything. I do little reading, other than my Bible.

so what do I do when not praying, eating, talking with my director, sleeping, or attending the daily mass...

exercise, walk, art work---- lots and lots of art work, math puzzles, shoot pool (and I have had games against other silent folk), play basketball, swim, be massaged, slam a tennis ball against a handball wall, and ...

listen to music especially when doing art work.

now. if I could find a way to be silent when calling Mosaic Woman each evening to say goodnight. and no, a text message just would not meet her needs.

before the last 54 hours of noise

My creaky car door slammed into the silence. I had just dropped a load of stuff into my car when I made the noise. It catches the attention of the Sister (who ate the tomato salad!). I walk over and say, "They pay me to make that noise to announce the end of silence."

she says, "it could use some WD4o."

She walks back the the center, and I to the UCC cemetery. Birds are few, but I stop and look to the left and up and there is the moon in the morning sky. I ask Sophia for reminders to get me through my life. To stop, to ask for stillness, to be gentle, to be aware of God's unfolding creation.

At 8 am I enter the dining hall, the silent breakfast is ending and I am pleased to see the woman mentioned above sitting down to eat. I sit down and have a conversation. We are joined by a priest from New Jersey, a Sister from NYC, who happens to be the woman who shared the bench with me; and another Sister, who says I am sweet because I had told her in passing that I had appreciated her piano playing through a door the other night.

As the non-Catholic in the group I get a lesson on what is happening in the Catholic universe and we get to know each other. They ask me how it was to be the only man in the feminine images of God group. I say, "we only met together once and I had the longest hair." I clear my dishes and walk over to Father Sneck to ask if I am Catholic enough to sign the Catholics against the war petition.

It is mass where the emotions start to fly. We leap in by singing Lover of Us All.... "with sun and moon we dance with joy...." Father Sneck leads the service and as he always does leaves most of the homily to us. Most of those who do choose to talk mention the fire alarm, the sweaty building, the 12 hours with non-flushing toilets. I say something like this:

"Part of my packing is randomly choosing 20 or so jazz CD's. Somehow I chose at least 4 versions of the standard, "What's New." What's new is Sophia. Sister Maria with much courage directed me into painful places and Sophia provided the gentleness to find healing My hope is for that gentleness to stay with me when I leave and interact with my wife, my students and the rest of creation."

The closing song is "We Are Called" We close out our time together with so much heart felt spirit I am overwhelmed by joy once again. I thank the Jesuits whose worship has helped so much on this retreat. I tell father Barron how the birds brought his message back to me last night. Goodbyes done, I discover a Men's room is now labeled Women. They are ready for us to leave.

I think of writing once more as I step outside, but I run into my bench sharing new bird watching buddy. She is telling me about her trips to Africa and I am telling her the names of the birds, and have gotten to white-breasted nuthatch when another Sister comes over and says, "Wayne, you are gentle."

I try to dismiss the compliment and say, "I have some moments...." But she cuts me off, and as she waves goodbye says, "We all have those."

In a few minutes I am driving through the gates filled with hope. Three times my hand reaches to turn the radio on, and each time I stop myself, for this drive will be in silence.

silence!

tower on the Jesuit Center
Wernersville, PA

OK, so I am going to resist the world especially a desire to know what other think of Sophia and how the Phillies are doing, but use the blessing of the computer at the Jesuit Center to keep up with my Blog.

two days of silence and I have not been given a Bible scripture to reflect upon; I should have had 6 bu now. Sister Maria seems to be knowing what she is doing as she directs me to Sophia, and though I don't know much of anything about Sophia, I have at least figured out that it is a feminine image of God. Well, that's the name of the retreat I signed up for with a strange heart. Sister Maria is trying to have me open it.

On the night I got here she gave me a prayer by Joyce Rupp (and yes, she is the reason I walk these halls with a beautiful mug made by a friend). That night as we sat in silence, that would be my fellow retreatants and myself the lone male, I change the pronouns to include all.

On the first full day Sister Maria had me bring Sophia into three aspects of my life which I have brought into silence. The administrators at my school who are supporting my desire to get a degree in spiritual direction, my relationship with my students, and missing Margaret. It goes well. I realize the students are at times like the wedding guest who is not dressed properly and gets thrown out (that day's Gospel), but I then take it further to the importance of the reentering of the kingdom or of my classroom. Can I greet the students like the father greets the prodigal son? The importance of missing Margaret strikes more after I call her, in a moment of clarity that could have come a lot sooner, I realize I need to call her as much for my own sake as for hers and if I look at it that way, I may have a better attitude while doing it.

This morning I tell Sister Maria I resisted the urge to go to the library to research who exactly this Sophia I am praying to is. She encourages that behavior. Provides no scripture to help me and says to keep listening for Sophia. I listen to Madeleiene Peyroux sing "I am going to sit write down and write myself a letter and make believe it came from you, going to write words oh so sweet, they are going to knock me off my feet...." wow, I say that's what Sister Maria wants me to do, so I take the poem by Joyce Rupp and rewrite it as if it is written to me, and yes the words are sweet and full of love.

Later during my evening prayer, I read the letter and respond to it line by line. It's all about mindfulness and opening one's heart and about God's desire, Sophia's desire to be with me. And after two days my attitude is bared to Sophia. I came here because OTHER folk believe in this stuff, and it will help me in working with them. Once again I am afraid of what will happen to ME if I believe in a feminine image of God. Will, I become new age and move to Santa Fe, or possibly will I be a man with a more complete image of God who hangs out with Episcopalians in Lansdale. who knows anything, but there are five full days of silence yet to go and I may yet get a Bible passage.