News stories, short stories, my stories

Maybe it was listening to stories about swine flu all week.

Maybe it was reading a short story from 1975 about the fear caused by cholera on Wednesday night...

... "No, there is more than the body of a man that you have in there," I said. Because now I was sure what it was. I had heard the talk up and down the river, and everyone was afeared that it was coming back, any day now. I don't mind saying that I was afeared too. And had been for a long time at the thought it was coming.

from The Burial by Jack Matthews

Maybe it was the dead squirrel on my side walk Friday morning.

I love making up stories so all day Friday I found myself telling this one...

Have you heard that Squirrel Flu has come to Lansdale? You see, when I left the house for work I saw what I thought was a dead squirrel on the sidewalk at the bottom of my porch steps. I went in to tell Mosaic Woman that she may want to stay inside for a moment. I was going to head back to the garage for a shovel when I realized I had a snow shovel in the mudroom. It was when I was scooping up the squirrel that I realized it wasn't quite dead. It turned and faced me and with a final gasp, it coughed directly at my face. Knowing that deadly flu viruses can spread from other species, I began to be concerned when I my temperature rose over 100 and I began twitching nervously in the middle of a road not sure which way to run away from oncoming traffic. A concerned friend tells me that the final stage of the disease involves raiding bird feeders and making squirrel like sounds.

Anyway. I have always felt blessed to be living in a country and during a period of time when fear of infectious disease has been so low. Cholera, Typhoid, TB, Polio.... I am also glad that my tax money goes to the CDC. I don't expect them to always say the wisest statements, but I believe in their mission.

I imagine the human brain has a special section to fear diseases that spread causing much suffering as they move through populations. Listening to folk this week, I believe our brains are alive and well, and thus full of fear.

For my part I tell stories. And my students, who know me well, say... "You're lying to us again."

and I say, "part of it is true."

may peace be with you.

emptiness--- fears and exposures and responses, OCD

I have been pondering this post for a few days now, but it was reading this meditation on Mary that tied a few things together.

In my life I have gotten to know quite a bit about those who suffer with OCD. The rituals that get our attention are ways to cope with fears that the person cannot release from their brain (and heart and soul). I am contaminated... I must wash my hands again. I ran over someone... I must circle the block 5 times. I must make the right decision... I will ponder and research it endlessly. I don't know if the door is locked, I will circle the car 20 times. They desire absolute certainty in a world not designed for it.

My mind is much more akin to the anti-obsessed end of the spectrum, and the students with ADD following their names. However...

winter weather can creep into my brain and while my brain will flutter away from the thought it will come back and back and back. I want certainty that I will be safe, that I will not get stuck, that I will be able to park, that that that that...

One of the best treatments for OCD is the old prescription for fears..."get back on the horse."

It is called exposure and response prevention therapy... here is link to a book by an expert in the field , Jonathon Grayson

contamination--- touch a garbage dumpster and eat without washing. locked doors---- leave them unlocked on purpose. decisions--- flip a coin and admit to your self that it may have been the best or worst decision that you have ever made and move on. Feel the fear and anxiety and see that you can survive. No guarantees, remember this is not about certainty.

So Tuesday night I drove out into a winter weather advisory to do some yoga with a friend. Last night I drove out onto roads that only needed a degree or two drop to become black ice to attend the school's holiday party, and today is a big test. Facing your fears does not mean you won't get an infection, make a wrong decision, or get stuck in a snow bank in the Poconos, but it means you will have emptied yourself. And even though you feel the ritual is a treasure that protects you, releasing it from your life is realising it is not magic and is a release that can lead to greater joy, peace, and hope.

So there is the connection to the meditation. emptiness.

I won't drive out into a northeaster, but I may just be listening to jazz tonight instead of feeling I protected myself by staying home.

struggles with the storm

I am having difficulty with Jesus rebuking a bunch of men on a stormy boat. The fisherman were in a fearful place. They knew of no such power to calm storms at sea. They knew people died in shipwrecks.

What am I to get from this? Have no fear for Jesus will save me from what appears certain death.

Or is it the fear that prevents a full life. Panic is not good, ask those men playing with millions on Wall Street.

I went into this weekend a bit panicked. A busy schedule will do that for me. A trip planned on Saturday, company coming for lunch on Sunday, a house not so tidy, work to do on this and that... how could one survive such a thing.

Well, we survived. My parents got their Christmas present on Saturday... potato pancakes. Here I am in action at my sister's place...


Before I even had told my family that I would rather make them a traditional meal than buy them a present, my one sister had bought me a meat grinder for Christmas. You see Pop Pop, as we called him, used one to prepare the uncooked potatoes. My sister sent a few reminders for me to call my aunt to get the recipe, which had no Swiss cheese, black pepper, or parsley all of which went into the ones I had been making for years. Simple, but they did taste like those we feasted on in Emmaus, PA.

gifts and desires

fair trade dark chocolate from Peru (nearly vanished), a string of dragonflies made from natural fibers from Vietnam, a travel mug advertising fair trade tea and coffee, a jar of Marula jelly from Swaziland (have yet to try it), a silk bookmark with the word for hope in both English and Vietnamese, and a CD of a man playing his singing bowls of Tibet.....ahhhh to be loved and known by a good woman.... Mosaic woman did her Christmas shopping for me in record time at 10,000 villages . and I am well pleased.

Time off from work has thrown my routine out of whack and I found I was doing my daily examen flat on my back before I fell asleep, not with my journal. I got re-centered using the CD Margaret gave me. I even picked up the singing bowl she gave to me a few Christmases back and played along. see reenactment below...







while praying on Jesus being my friend, I looked up and saw Mosaic woman had replaced a photo. The new one was taken on strudelfest day . My elder sister's short hair being a reminder of her past year.

Thoughts blended with Mosaic's woman's upcoming week-- a doctor's appointment to keep an eye on something that had scared us a few years back, and one to get a closer look at what a recent test showed. No way to celebrate the New Year. A clear reminder of how we are human.. imperfect and mortal. I sat with fears of death and Jesus.

I picked up a book that had sat dormant for weeks and two pages in read about how Jesus freed us from our fears of death. I felt both a failure and a goof-ass (imperfect human nature). But I turned to this master of mine who is being considered a friend and went back to the question he asks early in John to the first two who followed him... "What do you want?"

I desire the peace that comes from believing that my relationship with Jesus is eternal in nature. I desire the hope that at the end of this week, I can hear Mosaic woman sigh from the relief of good news.

funk and a flock of birds

I got a case of the last day's funk today. Sister Maria says good bye, she won't be at the final service tomorrow morning. The Gospel reading is about John's head being served on a platter, I am told it is the second year anniversary of Katrina and I think of how two years of misery have hit so many, and then at lunch my spirit buddy for the past 8 days, the hospice worker, who I dined with before silence, stops by my table to say she is leaving. Two good byes. I should be heading out myself at this rate, instead I am in a funk.

Playing in the pool, something I haven't done in years, is good but I still hit the sanctuary before dinner in a funk. A fear comes to mind so I chat with Sophia. I don't want to lose the gentleness she has provided. It has helped to bring my racing mind back into mindfulness. It has helped me go slowly into painful places.

She reminds me of what I read the other night at 2:00 am, "What the heart knows can not be forgotten."

There is a tree that is near death. I always look at this tree because it pulled me into deep gratitude a few years ago. I have been putting off spending time with it all week, but hey I am in a funk so why not head outside. I am standing on the driveway thinking sad thoughts but wanting to sit down. My older body says, "not on the road you don't." So I look about. There is one bench but it is occupied, but surely the woman will share the space.

She does and I find myself under a living Oak tree. It is thriving with insects that I can't see. Not leaving the bench I identify a black-capped chickadee, a tufted titmouse, a white-breasted nuthatch that so wants to be seen it makes me joyful, a downy woodpecker drums till I find it, a flicker comes over than shows off its white rump as it flies away, and even a ruby-throated hummingbird makes two trips into the Oak. I am trying to have sad thoughts but there are just way too many birds. Than the homily hits me. Yes, there are sad things happening like hurricanes, earthquakes, mine collapses, fires and deaths of trees and loved ones. I turn to my right and see the statue, which has come to represent things that need to die in me like blame, shame, and SHOULDS. I think of we do not react to those in need with the spirit of God. Two years and people still suffer on the Gulf Coast, but money and more money can be found for wars. And what have I done lately for the needy. Yes I am sitting between sad things and bad responses. But that's OK as Father Jack pointed out today for God's kingdom keeps emerging and if these birds are not giving me that message I will never get it. He said that the sin is to miss the emerging kingdom. At this moment I am doing OK.

Well, its the last night and more and more silence is being broken, which means I have had two very brief conversations. Tomorrow I will eat and talk at breakfast, than for the 8th straight day I will take the body and blood with this group which has prayed with and for me.

at some point I will have to pack.