stuck in one's head

Mosaic Woman has been walking about saying, "IVE GOT MENDELSSOHN IN MY HEAD!"

and for good reason. Since the beginning of the new year The Academy Chorale has been meeting on Tuesday nights to practice Felix Mendelssohn's Symphony No. 2-- "Hymn of Praise." So as in the past when she reaches the week of the final practice and the dress rehearsal, she has the music ingrained in her head. Michael Kemp, the director, would be proud.

I have had compassion stuck in my head.

and for good reason. On the last day I met with my spiritual director, (I will not see him till July) he handed me a book, Love Walked Among Us, by Paul E. Miller. It is broken up into small segments, so I have spent several nights reflecting on Luke 7: 11-17. Jesus meeting a widow on her way to bury her son. The basis of the book is to learn how to love by Jesus's example.

12 years ago I took a personality test and scored low on all, but got a zero on compassion. I may have been a bit stoic at the time. "Just deal with it," was a philosophy that should apply to all in every case.

This week a friend at work was moaning about a task. It must have been my stoic self that was listening at first, but then I was slapped silly by something or other and I said, "give me a pen and a piece of paper", and in the midst of a minute or two the task was completed. Since then I have been filled with the joy of being able to help a friend who was stuck, and wondering why it took me those few minutes to respond. But a desire to be aware is what keeps flowing into my head.

I want to keep my eyes open to those in need, just as Jesus did on that road when a funeral could have just passed by him and his followers as they stepped aside out of respect for the dead and the mourners.

being pruned

When I brought up the pruned tree I saw at Wernersville, my spiritual director went to John 15. So when I looked up fruit in my concordance to prepare for my Tuesday night gathering at church, it became one of five that I gathered up for the evening. Yes, five passages in an hour was ambitious, but it worked.

we talked about a society that was commanded by God to celebrate and give thanks for harvests and how our own no longer celebrates harvests (Exodus 23: 14-19). We talked about the pastry chef who changes his menu with the seasons and the complaints he gets from customers. We talked about a psalmist (128) whose blessing is for a family that is fruitful. A parable from Jeremiah (17: 7-8) compared a person with God to a fruit tree planted by a stream. Fruitful even in droughts.

Then we went to Jesus being the vine and we being the branches. Yesterday, while teaching a workshop on the spirituality of growing your own food, I read that passage from John again. The man to my left catches two things and holds on.... He is upset that we are commanded to do something and that we will be thrown into a fire if we don't.

So I spoke about being commanded to stay connected to God, to be nourished, to love others and thus to be fruitful. I also said that a plant with dead or diseased branches should be pruned and it is fine practice to burn those branches. God does not want to burn us, God wants to prune us. God can see the things inside our hearts which separates us from loving others and God desires that we stay a branch of the vine so that we can be pruned. Then we moved to Paul.

It is in Galatians (5: 23-25) that we are told what those fruits will be. Once pruned, the spirit will produce the fruits seen as joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control.

So may the love of God prune what is preventing these things from happening, and may we be fruitful. And may we be aware of what is growing in our locality, both the fruits of the labor of gardeners and farmers, and the fruits of the spirit.

movies

I have written nearly 100 posts and there has been little or no talk about movies, my passion of which waxes and wanes... but I have seen many since August.

Most of the movies I see outside of my house are seen in the Ambler Theater, I went there by myself on Wednesday, then read about the good thief that night. Thursday morning I tried to tie it all together with my spiritual director.

Now I will try again.

In Bruges ended and I was an emotional wreck, movies can do that to me. If I want to be numb, I should avoid them. I wanted to scream out, "This is not the way movies are supposed to happen." And there I was at the foot of the cross understanding those who had believed but were seeing the wrong ending. No movie has gotten to me like this in a long time. Maybe back to when I saw Crash and came home and watched Johnny Cash making a nine inch nails song his own .... to truly let out the emotions.

How did I grow to care so much for a violent character, who would take money to take a life? Maybe it was the emotional pain he was going through while stuck in a town he hated. He is on one cross. By the end of the movie he knows he is supposed to be there, but has hope. Next to him playing the role of Jesus (only in my take of this film) is a friend who would likely give his life so that this man can repent and be saved. Maybe that was it. The Good Thief knows he is guilty, but wants a new life with Christ. There is nothing I see better in a human than a desire to turn away from what is preventing us from living a full life.

That is why I left the theater into a steady rain shocked by the violence I had encountered and like those who were shocked at the cross... trying to have some hope, in this case for the future life of a character written into a movie. Placed into my life.

numbing and mockery

"which he tasted but refused to drink"

I stay in Matthew 27, where verse 34 has really popped out at me this week. Part of me wants Jesus to numb himself with that concoction of wine and gall. The man is being crucified. Isn't that a time for a bit of anaesthetic? He does come close and it reaches his lips, but then he stops himself. I know what happens when a person doesn't stop. When the physical or emotional pain is so high, one leaps in and the numbing feels so good that the next thing you know years have passed and you need help.

Jesus could have numbed not only the physical pain, but also the emotional pain of being mocked. The priests and pharisees were having their moment of thinking they had been right all along and told Jesus that he was a phony. That I think Jesus could handle better than those whose hearts were breaking. These folk had believed, and now their leader was being crucified and was doing nothing to save himself. They felt tricked. So in their grief and anger they too mocked Jesus.

Yesterday I went to check on the plants at work, where I visited with a friend. I spoke of the teenagers I had seen singing praises to Jesus. I told her how I had spent that time of my life mocking those foolish enough to believe. I woke this morning with these thoughts floating in my head. What had led me to that mocking? If memory can be trusted, it too was a grand disappointment.

Last night at church, our leader spoke of the "Way." I had believed that was true as a child. That it was a way of life that made one a Christian and as a teen I focused on those who proclaimed faith but did not walk in the Way. I just may have been expecting perfection or more effort, but I was sad and angry and left the church.

Jesus chose to live out this experience without any numbing. So he cries out to the Lord and quotes the first line of Psalm 22, which goes on to say this...

"all who see me jeer me" (7)
"my strength is trickling away" (14)
"they divide my garments among them and cast lots" (18)
"the poor will eat and be filled, those who seek the Lord will praise him" (26)
"and these will tell his saving justice to a people yet unborn: he has fulfilled it" (closing line)

Jesus seemed to be aware of what was happening... it is a good thing when we don't numb ourselves from our own life, even if we just stop short of doing it.

Renewal

The sheet had 39 names, by mine I wrote "renewal-- spiritual exercises."

It had been a hectic week with hectic days to come and I let the spiritual exercises slip from my life. Unexpected car problems led to cancelling my Thursday meeting with my spiritual director. My perfect attendance gone, a streak started at the end of August. My stained glass project spelling out Joy was completely stalled. Too much of my limited free time distracting myself on the computer.

So, I wrote I needed prayers for strength and renewal and then I sat and listened to what everyone one else at Mensch Mill retreat center desired in their life. We were a needy group. 25 minutes later, I went to Hannah's prayer in 1st Samuel and prayed. Then something became clear. All the above happened after I had (in imaginative prayer) told Jesus I would never desert him, and he had answered, "yes you will." I had fallen away from Jesus and the spiritual exercises. I was truly in a dry place when I wrote that last post.

Maybe I needed that time. I had imagined fleeing from his side after the arrest, and it had taken hold.

At Mensch I found myself in a small group with some friends from past retreats, and I spoke of where I was finding myself. I used the 20 hours to ask for renewal.

But where do I go from here? During the week before entering Jerusalem with Jesus, I asked myself this question... Do you know Jesus well enough to travel to the cross with him as his friend.

Where am I now? Jesus has been arrested and I am not by his side. Do I come back to him, or am I with the others who fled listening to news reports on what is happening? I am curious as to where my imagination will take me. What feels right in my soul?

outer space to off-Broadway

Jesuits do travel in my enjoyable reading. James Martin, SJ moves into the world of theater and lives to write about it in A Jesuit Off-Broadway. Just as we stumble into adventures, he falls into the theological/spiritual director for The Last Days of Judas Escariot, which was written by Stephen Adly Guirgis. This was a timely book for this Lenten season.

But what it inspired in me was a boost for my imaginative prayer. Reading about the transformation of the Bible to the theater allowed me to enter deeper into my spiritual exercises.

What touches a person when placing yourself into Bible stories is important and the book is loaded with stories of how the play touched all who were involved.

And Tuesday night when I entered into Matthew 26: 6-13, I was aware of what happened when I was introduced to a leper by Jesus. Introducing my customs, I reached out my hand, but a moment later wished I hadn't. Who do I not want to touch? Who do I not want to be touched by?

water in dry places

I was told to play with water this morning. This is what happened:



this is how it happened... I was told to think of playing in water and there I was as a boy body surfing at Virginia Beach. It may have been the most fun I have ever had in water.

Then I am given a piece of paper. I cover it with yellow, orange and red. Where is the water I say to myself when I stop to reflect upon my creation. I add some blue. I turn it around looking at all angles and I am on a dusty road in Oregon. Mosaic woman and I have gone to see birds at the Malheur NWR. I think of the Samaritan woman at the well.

After a guided meditation which takes me to a footbridge at Peace Valley near Doylestown (where I go to see birds in Pennsylvania) , I am given 15 minutes to return to my creation. What you see on the left hand side is what I worked on as I used the water colors.

At 3am I woke last night and sleep was not going to happen. Strangely it was not a troubled mind that kept me awake. So, I saw it as a time to do some praying flat on my back. Jesus praising the woman who gave all her coins is my latest passage.

Jesus asks me.... Do you know me well enough to enter Jerusalem? I am entering the third week of the spiritual exercises. I am headed to the cross with Jesus.

And now it is 3pm Friday afternoon at work. I stopped by to visit a friend and now I am feeling guilty about talking through some troubling times. She has her own woes and why should she have to listen to mine.

I drive home from Telford today thinking about all of this. Why is that some people grate me to the core, yet the above friend can tell me her woes and I don't see her as being negative? This is all about those in our lives who provide us living water. I am not sure how it all works, but I am grateful for their presence. Often they are water in very dry places, and like birds I am drawn to be immersed.

Tangled up with Dylan, Miles, and the adulterous woman

I was once a big fan of Bob Dylan. Mosaic woman left for the library on Saturday while I was in the shower. A stained glass design with interweaving lines was on my table with 7 blue-green shades of glass.

So.... I started humming Tangled up in Blue.

But before I cut a piece of glass I headed off to a Lenten Retreat (Art and Soul), and before I was given a chance to play with the art medium of the week (oil pastels), we reflected on Jesus telling the person without sin to cast the first stone to kill the adulterous woman. He then doodled, scribbled, and/or wrote something in the sand. One person suggested that what ever it was, it touched all those sinners in their hearts as they walked away juggling their un-tossed stones.

I sat thinking about a woman at work and thought of my anger. Then given a tiny piece of paper, I drew my anger in the sand as if Jesus was speaking to my heart.



I was then given a larger piece of paper and masking tape to make a frame. I did put my anger in the center of that design waiting for me at home in my studio. I surrounded my anger with blue green then filled in with sand.






The sand and light from God are in my anger but not destroying it. Today I went to work as always, with no intention of stoning anyone, but the anger remains as does hope for a cleansing of the hearts of all those I work with, including myself.

Blue green, that gets us to Miles Davis and 8 days at a Jesuit retreat center, where I experienced light and dark and a love of the color combo-- blue green -- as I doodled listening to Kind of Blue. But that is not what I listened to this past Saturday. I got down on my knees and found Dylan's Blood on The Tracks LP. I kept 6 blue greens, but replaced one with a red-orange glass and this is what I got...

nutmegdesigns

and what about the shower. Without mosaic woman in the house, my hair would not get braided, surely it would get a bit tangled.

the boy who shows up in John

I am glad John mentioned where the bread and fish come from...(John 6:1-15) Last night the spiritual exercises had me go to the feeding of the 5000 and in John there is a boy who shows up after the men don't see possibilities for instead the men see limitations that prevent action.

"Not enough money and resources," the men cry out, "how can we feed the hungry?" A boy shows up with five loaves and two fish and Jesus moves into action. My imagination takes over I follow the boy who fees moved to go towards Jesus with his food. I don't see it as a chance encounter.

I want to be like that boy, who has something and brings it forth to God to help make the kingdom happen. No time. No money. No talent. No resources. No energy. I want to listen to myself and when I hear what the disciples said to Jesus, catch it and question myself if whether or not it is true.

Time, money, energy, talent, resources... yes, there are limits to all of these in our lives. My goal is to question if I use them as a reason why I don't do something and to examine what I do with what I have to offer.

How to respond????

When Jesus turns around and says, "What do you want?" How do you respond?

Those words from Jesus stayed with me this past week and Wednesday night I when I reflected on this week of the exercises.

I desire to keep following Jesus.
I desire to find what desires God has for me.
I desire to live fully.
I desire to relate to others, intimately.
I desire a heart that does not harden as I age as a teacher.
I desire to be filled with hope, peace, joy, and love.
I desire to be aware of my physical, emotional, and spiritual self.
I desire to .... one day open up that Marula Jelly that Mosaic woman bought me for Christmas.

speaking of Mosaic woman. it is about time to show off some of her work....

click to go to ETSY

gifts and desires

fair trade dark chocolate from Peru (nearly vanished), a string of dragonflies made from natural fibers from Vietnam, a travel mug advertising fair trade tea and coffee, a jar of Marula jelly from Swaziland (have yet to try it), a silk bookmark with the word for hope in both English and Vietnamese, and a CD of a man playing his singing bowls of Tibet.....ahhhh to be loved and known by a good woman.... Mosaic woman did her Christmas shopping for me in record time at 10,000 villages . and I am well pleased.

Time off from work has thrown my routine out of whack and I found I was doing my daily examen flat on my back before I fell asleep, not with my journal. I got re-centered using the CD Margaret gave me. I even picked up the singing bowl she gave to me a few Christmases back and played along. see reenactment below...







while praying on Jesus being my friend, I looked up and saw Mosaic woman had replaced a photo. The new one was taken on strudelfest day . My elder sister's short hair being a reminder of her past year.

Thoughts blended with Mosaic's woman's upcoming week-- a doctor's appointment to keep an eye on something that had scared us a few years back, and one to get a closer look at what a recent test showed. No way to celebrate the New Year. A clear reminder of how we are human.. imperfect and mortal. I sat with fears of death and Jesus.

I picked up a book that had sat dormant for weeks and two pages in read about how Jesus freed us from our fears of death. I felt both a failure and a goof-ass (imperfect human nature). But I turned to this master of mine who is being considered a friend and went back to the question he asks early in John to the first two who followed him... "What do you want?"

I desire the peace that comes from believing that my relationship with Jesus is eternal in nature. I desire the hope that at the end of this week, I can hear Mosaic woman sigh from the relief of good news.

Unfolding with Jesus

Reading Jim's thoughts over at brainwaves the other day led to this question.... "Quick! What linguistic term would you assign yourself on such subject?" to see what led to the question read the rest of his thoughts.

I answered "unfolding".

Now Jim asks if I see a spark of the divine in this young Jesus I have been blogging about.

YES.

Ignatius has called me to be a witness of Jesus's life to get to know him, to love him, and to follow him.

How can I imagine...

watching through a hole in the wall as the angel brings the news to Mary...
being there when the baby arrived and seeing the love in the eyes of Mary and Joseph...
befriending Joseph who shared the dreams sent by God to guide him...
witnessing those that saw the truth first.... wise folk, shepherds, Simeon, Anna.....
watching a family of friends flee to Egypt and witnessing brutality of those in power...
watching a young boy grow in wisdom...

and then say NO, I guess I could, however...

Jesus was part of creation and he unfolded with it just as I am unfolding. It takes all my faith to believe he was divine, but that is where my faith has taken me. And in that sense he was perfect.

What I don't buy is that Jesus was perfect. If he was fully human, than the man was imperfect. I may be wrong on this but that just proves my imperfection.

What is truth? Jesus was perfect and he was a goof like the rest of us. His human life unfolded. We are given the same opportunity, for in each moment we are renewed as is all of creation.

Thanks for the questions, Jim.

May all of your Holidays be filled with Joy, hope, peace, and love.

comings- final sermonizing

Coreopsis Bloom

Jesus, self-described as a thief in the night, will come a second time. This weeks gospel (Luke 12:32-40) tells me so. The message is clear. Be awake. Be in the present moment. Be aware. Be mindful. Be in relationship with God.

One wonders why. Surely one would not miss this event. Prophesies of this great event have the dead being raised, last judgments being passed out, new ages beginning, and a new Jerusalem with come down out of heaven.

Maybe Jesus doesn't want us to be shocked. If we are ready, then it will be smooth sailing?

And whether or not it will happen while I am alive is a huge uncertainty in my mind. Odds seem to say it would not be a safe bet.

Maybe Jesus was a trickster and knowing the benefits of being mindful and being in relationship with God he came up with this thief in the night story. If it was a trick, it does great things even if it is hard work. The thoughts, that come into my mind, guide me into more intimate relationships or onto healing paths. The other night I turned back to my basic teaching desire: create a place of joy for my students. It came while doing what Saint Ignatius called a daily examen. I faced an interaction I regretted with a student and asked for the strength to move into better relationship with all of my students. The next day, when a student said, "You are in a great mood today." I felt blessed.

This morning I had a thought... get away from the computer and visit your garden. I took my pruner and camera with me. While dead heading our coreopsis a flower spoke to me. Well it caught my attention and as M just said it made for "one funky picture."

These are the comings that arrive when we are mindful of our faith. Our hope is to be ready to catch them like a thief in the night.

gifts of love

What smells better than a Sweet Pepper grown in Lansdale, Pennsylvania

Yesterday I smelled joy. It has been pointed out, that I make a noise of sensual ecstasy when I smell fresh peppers from my garden. At work, I strongly require my students and assistants to take a sniff.

The peppers, the smell, and my noise will hopefully always remind of AC, who worked with me for a year or so and laughed at me every time she heard the noise. Where does this joy come from?

I am thinking of the joy brought out in receiving and giving love. Recently I asked Julian of Norwich to be my guide as I prayed through John's telling of the Samaritan woman meeting Jesus at the well. Asking help from a saint was new ground for me to walk on but every time I turned to Julian she provided me with some insight that took me deeper into the gospel story. Julian shared her visions with us through her writings. The woman who met Jesus at the well shared the messiah with her community.

Then there is the story of Hannah who is loved dearly by her husband but is mocked by his other wife for being barren. She prays so hard that Eli, the priest, accuses her of drunkenness. She pleads with Eli to hear her prayer and not to judge her as a drunkard. God and Eli bless her, and a son is born. In prayer she had promised God this miracle, and she follows through by delivering Samuel to Eli at the temple when she has weaned him.

In all these cases God provides joy and the gift is shared.

In his book, Here and Now, Henri J.M. Nouwen writes: "Joy is the experience of knowing that you are unconditionally loved and that nothing- sickness, failure, emotional distress, oppression, war, or even death- can take that love away."

Ok, so God loves me and I love the smell of peppers. Why is the scent so pleasing? Evolution has taken our brains in a direction that scents produce emotions and apparently causes spontaneous sighs of joy when it is pleasurable. I am loved. God has guided me to garden so now I have peppers and I experience the joy of creation at work and home. But what do I do now with that pepper. What do I do with that great gift?

The pepper shown above was used in making dinner, fake sausage sandwiches as we call them. At work, students get to smell what doesn't exist in grocery stores. Then I send my students out and my co-workers get to buy heirloom veggies grown organically. I have been doing this for eight years now and I try to sell for less than what they would cost at a store. I want the gift that brings me joy to become a bonus and blessing to those who work at and attend my school.

At work on Friday, thoughts of total chaos entered my mind, I could have become scared, negative, and down hearted, but it was time to cook. I led the students across the dry grass to the kitchen and we made brownies with fresh mint, and fudge with dried lavender. One student hated mint, but took a sample anyway. After he darted to a trash can to spit out the mint brownie, I gave him a handful of chocolate chips and told him to hang on, the fudge will be set on Monday.

With five minutes left in the school day, I walked back across the dry grass. We had less flour and chocolate, but we had three 9x13 inch pans of joy. That is when another student came running up to me and said, "Stratz, I have been looking all over for you."

I said, "I bet you have," while expecting the student to make a plea for a brownie. Instead he said, "Can I have a pepper?" I said: follow me. I set down the tray of brownies, and pulled a plastic bag from my fridge. Inside were three peppers and I passed the joy on.